Why Knowing What to Do Still Isn’t Enough to Change Your Habits

Struggling to change habits despite knowing what to do? Discover how subconscious patterns, nervous system safety and self-leadership shape change.

If changing habits was simply about knowing what to do, most of us would already be living very different lives.

We’ve read the books.
Taken the courses.
Saved the posts.

And yet… when it comes to actually doing the thing like staying consistent, showing up differently, changing long-standing patterns, something still gets in the way.

This is a conversation I come back to again and again in my work around resilience, self-leadership and personal change.

Recently, during a workshop, the facilitator shared a metaphor that landed deeply with the group: the iceberg of change.

Behaviour - Is the Tip of the Iceberg

What you see and judge is behaviour.

Not posting consistently.
Procrastinating.
Overworking.
Avoiding difficult conversations.
Starting habits and then slipping back.

That’s the tip of the iceberg.

But beneath the surface lives everything that truly drives behaviour:

Subconscious beliefs
Emotional patterns
Nervous system responses
Old conditioning and learned survival strategies

And until you explore what’s beneath the iceberg, real change remains hard.

A Personal Realisation

I shared something quite personal in that workshop.

Over the years, I’ve invested in and completed many social media courses.

I knew what to do.

I understood strategy, consistency, content pillars, visibility.

And yet, I still struggled to show up consistently.

For a long time, I told myself stories:

“I just need to be more disciplined.”
“I need more confidence.”
“I need to push myself harder.”

But none of that was true.

The real issue wasn’t strategy.
It wasn’t motivation.
It wasn’t even confidence.

It was conditioning.

When the Past Quietly Shapes the Present

At some point, the epiphany landed.

Growing up, there were subtle but powerful messages I absorbed:

Don’t speak up
Don’t draw attention to yourself
Don’t express your opinions
Stay in your lane

Those messages didn’t disappear just because I became an adult, a coach or a business owner.

They lived on quietly beneath the iceberg.

So every time I tried to be visible online, my nervous system reacted as if I was doing something unsafe.

Not logically unsafe.
Emotionally unsafe.

No amount of social media training could override that.

Why willpower doesn’t work when the nervous system feels unsafe

This is something I see again and again with my clients.

We try to change habits using willpower, pressure, and self-criticism without realising that the autonomic nervous system is running the show.

When your nervous system is in protection mode:

You revert to familiar patterns
You avoid perceived risk
You choose safety over growth

And familiarity often looks like staying small, staying quiet or staying busy instead of visible.

This isn’t failure. It’s biology.

Self-Leadership Starts Beneath the Iceberg

True self-leadership isn’t about forcing new behaviours on top of old foundations.

It’s about:

Creating emotional safety
Understanding your subconscious patterns
Regulating your nervous system
Bringing compassion to the parts of you that learned to survive

Only then do new habits have somewhere solid to land.

That’s when behaviour begins to change, not because you’re pushing harder, but because you’re leading yourself differently.

A Gentle Reframe

If you’ve been trying to change a habit and keep slipping back, I want to offer this reframe:

Nothing is wrong with you.

You’re not lazy.
You’re not broken.
You’re not lacking willpower.

You may simply be trying to change the tip of the iceberg, without acknowledging what’s underneath.

And awareness, kind, honest awareness, is always the first step.

Join the Resilient Heart Movement

This is exactly why I write my weekly Resilience N.E.W.S. emails.

They’re not about quick fixes or motivational soundbites. They’re reflections, insights, and grounded practices rooted in:

Heart-centred resilience
Nervous system regulation
Conscious self-leadership
Real, lived experience

Each week, I explore what sits beneath the surface and how small, intentional shifts can create meaningful change over time.

If this resonates with you, if you’ve ever thought “I know what to do… so why is it still hard?” — you’re not alone.

👉 You can subscribe to my weekly email and join the Resilient Heart Movement.

Because lasting change doesn’t start with doing more.

It starts with understanding yourself more deeply and leading yourself from the heart.